Now...before anyone offers me their children to babysit (which I do enjoy), let me be clear that I do not wish for A little one to be here with me, but for MY little one to be here with me. I long for the day when I get woken up by little feet running in to our room or a small voice calling from a crib, wanting nothing more than to be held by mommy. I long for the day when we can make breakfast together and sit down for some mommy snuggling time, maybe reading books, watching something, or just talking and enjoying each other's company. I long for the day when we can get all dressed up and go out into the world to run some errands or have some adventures. Being a mom will not always be fun, of course, but I am looking forward to all of it, even the hard/yucky/sad stuff.
But here's the thing...when you are adopting, you have NO IDEA when "that day" will be.
We are now number four on our agency's waiting list for Uganda, and while we are SO EXCITED to be closer and closer to our little one, when well-meaning person after well-meaning person asks us, "So...what does that mean?" what I say ever-so-politely is that we are not sure how long the wait will be and that we have to wait for a child in our age range, etc, and that although we are number four it doesn't necessarily mean that we will get our referral after the other three families...blah, blah, blah (insert adoption information here).
We are now number four on our agency's waiting list for Uganda, and while we are SO EXCITED to be closer and closer to our little one, when well-meaning person after well-meaning person asks us, "So...what does that mean?" what I say ever-so-politely is that we are not sure how long the wait will be and that we have to wait for a child in our age range, etc, and that although we are number four it doesn't necessarily mean that we will get our referral after the other three families...blah, blah, blah (insert adoption information here).
But what I really want to say is that it means that I have NO EARTHLY IDEA when I will get to become a mother, what gender/size/season of clothes and other items I should start buying or even if I should start buying anything at all, how much longer I will be working as a teacher, or even when I will get to jump on a plane to Uganda to meet and hold our little one, only to have to leave them again and then come back to FINALLY be a forever family.
What I want to say is...it means that waiting is stinkin' hard!
I am a HOPELESS planner, and I REVEL in knowing what, when, how, and why things are going to happen. For almost every major decision in my life, I rested in knowing that it was for reasons X, Y, and Z (after much prayer) and that it would be for X amount of time, money, energy, etc. This is how I operate, and this is something that God is ever-so-gently helping me work on.
Trust in uncertainty has never been one of my strong points, and this adoption has certainly brought this to the forefront of my mind. As I sit here dreaming, longing, praying (and pinning on Pinterest), God is saying to me, "Daughter, I know when you will meet your child. I know the end of your story, and I know that it all works out in the end for MY glory. Silly Laura, you trust me with eternity. Why is it so hard for you to trust me in this temporal life? Take a moment and really read and contemplate the truth in scriptures like...
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5-6
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. Prov. 16:9
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7
I love you, child, and I know that waiting is hard, but trust me, it will all be worth it."
So...while I still enjoy finding things to occupy my time while we wait (There can NEVER be enough cute ideas on my "Bringing Home Baby" Pinterest board!), I am also trying to remember that in this time of waiting, God is shaping me into the mom that He wants me to be. A mom that is patient, understanding, loving, forgiving, and selfless; a mom who trusts God with her future and the future of her family.
So...while I might not know when I get to become a mom, thanks be to God that while I wait, I can work on becoming the Godly mother that God has called me to be.
~Laura~
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